Friday, December 17, 2010

redecorating, help needed.

Today my heart is all tumbled up.   If you were to see my heart today it would probably look like a burnt up ol' gingerbread girl all curled up at the edges with a big ragged hole in the middle.  Today the hurt and the anger is winning. It was just after Christmas last year that harsh words were spoken, misunderstanding, past hurts and resentments led to the basic disintegration of a life long relationship.  Now, today, I get a simple email asking for my address.  I am struggling.  I have got not "good christian girl" words on my lips and in my heart. I want to be kind, I want to forgive, I want to mend, I want to fix,I want to be the bigger person, the stronger person, see the opportunity for a rainbow. Ultimately I would be overjoyed to have restoration and healing in this relationship, but oh do I hurt.  I just wanna be be mad and make my point and have my say.  I have gotten kind of protective of my heart and I don't feel inclined to hand it over. So the only thing to do is give it up and give it over. I know that.  Problem is, is that I have spent a year with this one and it's kinda taken up and decorated it's own corner.  So I'm going to need some help clearing that space back out and cleaning it up. A job that is a bit too big for this girl to do by herself.  Divine intervention required.

Monday, November 29, 2010

On Returning, from a husband and wife

I came across this amazing post today.  Sometime others can say the things that we can't so I will let you head over there and take a read, take a breath and be blessed as I was...

On Returning, from a husband and wife

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Honey...welcome to my world!

Yesterday morning we woke up to a world blanketed in ice and snow.  My husband who typically leaves at 5:30 in the morning for his hour long commute spent that hour instead shoveling out his car.  (since then there is now space in the garage for it along with my mom-mobile, funny how its suddenly a priority, hehe)  So my husband decided since he was late already he was going to take the opportunity to drive our girls to school.  Apparently it's way cooler when Dad does it than boring old Mom.  I have to say that I really enjoyed listening to the exchanges as they got ready to go.  I was taking advantage of the time to get ready a little more unhurriedly for my weekly bible study. It was the typical morning stuff us Mom's are familiar with, Mom I can't find my Home Reading, she took my mittens, my snow pants don't fit (just needed a re-adjustment) you know the drill.  The funniest part was when my daughter realized that she had left her winter boots out the previous day on our deck and they were now completely full of snow. Oh the panic!! After finally seeing them all ensconced safely in hubby's car spare boots and all, my big, tough husband gave me a baffled, what the heck was that! look and said "wow what is with them this morning?",  I calmly replied, with a satisfactory grin on my face, "Honey, that was a completely normal morning, welcome to my world."   He was still shaking his head as he pulled out of the driveway.  And that is why I need the rest of the day to lay on the couch and eat bonbon's until it's time to pick them up again...

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm not sorry!

I'm not perfect, obviously, but I often find myself tamping down my natural inclinations. I often find my self apologizing for the things that come to me naturally.

The Psalmist says "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139:13,15).

If my creator made me who I am than why do I expend so much energy on apologizing for it? I'm not saying that I never need to apologize, I most certainly do. I do not however, need to apologize for being what I was created uniquely to be. As a Jesus lover I am work in progress, graciousness, kindness and gentleness, are not always my first or natural response but everyday He does a little more work in me to make it so. In the meantime though, I will no longer apologize for being the things that make me me.  I tend to laugh loud, talk loud,  I say what I think often times without being asked.  My face will most certainly show you exactly what I'm thinking. I love people and being around them but I relish my solitude.  I don't like chatting on the phone I'm too distracted for that.  Email me a time and place and I would much rather give you my undivided attention face to face.  I sigh loudly with pleasure with the first few wonderful sips of my latte. I don't like Tim Hortons.  I need reminders because I forget, I get excited about something else before I even write it down.  I'm an all in or not at all kind of girl.  Guess what though, He made this way, on purpose!! And He loves me loves me loves me,  abnoxious or not, forgetful or not and whatever else about me may offend, He loves me and knew it before I was breathed into existence.  So, I am not sorry because He loves me.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Phew, we made it!

Wow, it is October 1st!  We have officially made it through the crazy, hectic period know as "Back to School".  When my girls were small I always held on to the notion that once they were in school I could breathe again.  Life would calm down some.  Last week it occurred to me that that is actually not the case.  I find I am often holding my breath, I may not be running out of breathe chasing after 2 toddlers, but I am most certainly holding my breath and needing to remind myself to just breathe.  I am thankful for the moments of the day when I am completely alone.  Yes, ALONE!! I can accomplish things with no interuptions, bathe without little hands coming in to splash me or ask for a snack.  But oh my do you pay at the end of the day.  Who would have thought that two second grades would need to spend so much time doing homework? I need to be the snack chef, cheerleader and tutor.  Is it wrong to give your kids coffee after school to get them over the hump?  I think I did less paperwork as an Admin Assistant.  Everyday there is something to remember, wear a certain color, bring something for show and tell, pack a special snack,  bring back forms, you get the idea. 

It is a whirlwind indeed but I am thankful for those moments of quiet and stillness in between.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

So soon?

So the other day I was in a store with my two beautiful IDENTICAL twin daughters helping my Mom choose new frames for her glasses.  It's been interesting having identical twins, they are now 7, there are so many similarities between them physically but they are so entirely different.  As any parent knows it is amazing how different kids from the same parents and same environments can be.  Aside from slightly different haircuts and a smidge difference  in height most people have trouble determining who is who.  The girls really enjoy this but today we had a first.  The, seemingly innocuous, sales lady literally pointed at one of the girls and said "Oh this one is sooo cute!".  My daughter soaked it up and said thank you, meanwhile, my other little girls' entire countenance just fell, her shoulders slumped and her eyes misted up.  I on the other hand had to restrain my self from knocking this lady off of her feet!  I quickly assured my other daughter that she was super cute too, which doesn't seem to have as much meaning as some stranger! apparently I have to think that cause I'm her Mom.

I've already been asked "does my butt look big in these jeans", have to explain that being sexy is only used when talking about adults, and still haven't figured out if I should make an issue out of my 7 year olds saying "ooohh that looks hot!" and tears when they come home saying that so and so said I'm fat.  What the heck!! Seriously why does it have to been so soon...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Oh the Internet...

Do you have a love/hate relationship with the internet?  I do.  Well maybe not so much as love/hate as love/guilt!  I get so exhilarated with the idea that with a few key strokes I can usually find whatever it is that I'm looking for.  The guilt usually comes in because I could/should/probably should be using the time elsewhere on something else, like moving the laundry over, thinking about supper blah blah.  Yesterday though I came across this skit as I was "looking".

Wow.  As a stay-at-home mom of two it is so easy to get lost in that "invisible" feeling.  This was such an encourgement to me to know that He is watching.  I am not doing any of the things I do for a well done, atta girl and definately not for the pay check!  I am building a cathedral right here and the one who matters is watching...


bit·ter (btr)

adj. bit·ter·er, bit·ter·est 1. Having or being a taste that is sharp, acrid, and unpleasant. 2. Causing a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation; harsh: enveloped in bitter cold; a bitter wind. 3. Difficult or distasteful to accept, admit, or bear: the bitter truth; bitter sorrow.4. Proceeding from or exhibiting strong animosity: a bitter struggle; bitter foes.5. Resulting from or expressive of severe grief, anguish, or disappointment: cried bitter tears.6. Marked by resentment or cynicism: "He was already a bitter elderly man with a gray face" (John Dos Passos).

The word in itself is prickly and by it's defination a negative and nasty thing.  Why is it then that we seem to enjoy it so much?  I see so many people who seem to savor it, rolling the taste around on their tongues, swallowing the dark, ugly thing in gulps. It may be sugar coated in pride and self-centreness but the coating only last a short time and you are left with the sharp, painful seed that takes root in your soul.  It is a weed that strangles out anything else.  It grows and poisons and begins to manifest in our lives and the lives of those around us.  It feeds our natural tendancies towards anger and hurtfulness. It is a black hole that will envelope anything around.  It will leave you empty and alone.

Thankfully there is an anidote for bitterness, it is grace, it is mercy. 

Grace and mercy may be harder to swallow at first.  It does not need any sugar coating, difficult though as it does go against our natural tendencies to reciprocate hurt for hurt, injustice for injustice. Unlike bitterness, grace and mercy soften us, it nurishes the soil of our souls to produce things of beauty and loveliness.  It grows glorious trees whoes roots grow deep, whoes branches grow strong and and reach out to shelter and cover those who need protection.  It grows flowers that are spectaclar in their colors and scents, drawing others to them. 

I will take the antidote everytime and am thankful that there is an endless supply that is freely given.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Mercy, a blessing

And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6 7-9

I am currently working through a book by one of my favourite authors, Angela Thomas. The book is “A Beautiful Offering”. The chapter I just finished spoke about the blessing of Mercy. When I think about Mercy it often causes me to reflect on the Mercy Christ has shown me. I am amazed by it and transformed by it, though I didn’t often contemplate on it as being a blessing that I can extend through Christ to those around me. Through the past few years I come to understand a lot more about God’s Grace and Mercy, although I know I won’t ever fully comprehend it, through this I have learned to see the world with more “color” and not so “black and white”. It was always easy to categorize things into right or wrong than to show mercy, to draw clear lines to define good and bad. I could identify with the disciples who were shocked at the woman who poured her whole bottle of perfume on Jesus’ feet. It was easier, simpler to judge and keep things those things or those people at arms length, or so I thought. Here is how Angela summarized this so perfectly that I just had to share it with you!

From: Angela Thomas’ “A Beautiful Offering”

“One warning: This blessing probably won’t work if you want to hold on to your legalism or if you value rules more than souls. Mercy might make you uncomfortable and blow away the box that you’ve drawn around God. If you begin to give out mercy, things are going to change. You are going to begin to look into the eyes of people and hurt for their pain. You are going to hear yourself offer light into their darkness. You will start to love the unlovely.

Say sorry!

We teach our kids (well hopefully most of us do) from an early age how to say "Sorry".  There is all the proper etiquette involved such as ensuring that the word is not mumbled, that you are looking at the person you are apologizing too and that even though we sometimes meant the thing we did (hit your little friend with a tonka truck because he was trying to take it away) that we must say "Sorry" anyway.  The funny thing is, is that usually after the dramatic apology the kids let it go and continue playing and all is well again.  If we as adults think it is so important to have our kids learn the art of apologizing why then do we end up have such trouble with it as we grow up.  Certainly our hurts are larger and the effects greater I'm not about to act as thought they are inconequential, though they may be relative, but when did saying "Sorry" become so hard?


Perspectives. Tricky thing, perspectives, you are never quite looking at something the same way someone else is and it really isn’t possible to see something exactly the same way as someone else does. Our perspectives are shaped and moulded by all the things we’ve felt and experienced in our lives. No two people will probably ever share the same perspective. I think that trying to see something the same as someone else takes an enormous effort, the desire to even try. I don’t think most of us even care to step out of ourselves to even attempt it. I believe this inability, to even want to try, to see someone else’s view is one of the huge reasons why relationships can be so hard. It’s like it’s link to our survival instinct, to admit that maybe our perspective may be distorted or skewed, is like admitting that were are weak or something, and it must be protected at all costs. Will stepping out of ourselves to by chance gain an understanding of why someone has made certain decision or had a certain response cost us anything. Why is it so hard to think that maybe, just maybe, you would gain something? Human nature is so inherently selfish and to behave otherwise goes so much against our grain makes empathy or understanding hard. What is it that can be strong enough to motivate us to try to see from a different perspective? Is it love, is it faith? What would make you try to see someone or something differently?