Friday, December 17, 2010

redecorating, help needed.

Today my heart is all tumbled up.   If you were to see my heart today it would probably look like a burnt up ol' gingerbread girl all curled up at the edges with a big ragged hole in the middle.  Today the hurt and the anger is winning. It was just after Christmas last year that harsh words were spoken, misunderstanding, past hurts and resentments led to the basic disintegration of a life long relationship.  Now, today, I get a simple email asking for my address.  I am struggling.  I have got not "good christian girl" words on my lips and in my heart. I want to be kind, I want to forgive, I want to mend, I want to fix,I want to be the bigger person, the stronger person, see the opportunity for a rainbow. Ultimately I would be overjoyed to have restoration and healing in this relationship, but oh do I hurt.  I just wanna be be mad and make my point and have my say.  I have gotten kind of protective of my heart and I don't feel inclined to hand it over. So the only thing to do is give it up and give it over. I know that.  Problem is, is that I have spent a year with this one and it's kinda taken up and decorated it's own corner.  So I'm going to need some help clearing that space back out and cleaning it up. A job that is a bit too big for this girl to do by herself.  Divine intervention required.